May 2013
3 posts
i guess my problem is, i thought i would give a damn.
instead, i am not doing all the necessary steps to pursue my dreams.
did i lose my drive when i was idle for an entire year in cambridge? why wasn’t i the me when i took 21 full course load and still do a 20-hour part time job?
how can i give meaning to the thing i do now.
and in this job, i’m really tired is never a reason nor explanation; sleeping one or two few hours more is a sin and crime, something to be ashamed of, although it is quite impossible to trick your body to feel otherwise
it means nothing to no one, and protesting that you are tired simply means you are weak, even worst, irresponsible.
and making a mistake means you are a terrible person,...
days when even white flag is impossible
trapped in a nightmare where you can’t wake up - and when nightmare is reality
when there is no stop button
when you feel so alive but dead inside - - and to borrow Sylvia Plath’s words:
But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn’t do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill...
April 2013
15 posts
i remember creating a photo album “your life has just begun” when i started work
maybe it was some wishful thinking on my part when i name it that way
maybe it was some sort of encouragement to myself
but to be honest -
i can never shake the feeling that my life ended in every possible way when i toiled in IFC 2 late at nights and over the weekends
and frankly, how many photos can...
March 2013
22 posts
too much pride, too little guts.
so one day
all these will pass
good times will come
the right one will fall into place.
i realize in my world
one month can be a long time
and a lot of things can change
just when this deal i was doing when i was with you is live now
the relationship between us is dead.
the nights when i spent escaping from work, strolling along the singapore river, sitting in the lobby of fullerton bay hotel doing nothing
the first time i actually attribute beauty and serenity to this...
a conversation
it dawned upon me, why despite the feelings i had for him
that, when i looked at his picture
i decided there’s no way i am going to restart our conversation
i remember this conversation with another him
on how we both have perfectionist tendencies
once we made some mistakes and struck out more than a few lines in our paper homework
we would start a new page and copy everything over,...
3 weeks
so my girl friend told me
maybe you can try writing letters to him in your diary
trust me, in 2 weeks, max 3,
you will stop being obsessed about him.
i asked, is it that easy to forget about someone?
she said: yes, because soon you will find that you keep repeating yourself in those letters, and you move on.
so here goes, my first letter, to myself, not to him:
i know it has always been...
there are some people in my life that i put them in a little box
two, to be precise
they are treasured, but never touched
i open one day i can open the box and talk to them normally
singapore is a place where it has to rain when you finally have a free day… fuck the tunder
there is this hole in my heart
that, when i don’t look
i fall into the
dark depths time and
again
February 2013
1 post
a chronology of conversations
sometimes i don’t even know why i feel something. my feelings are short-circuited thoughts - i can’t even tell how they develop into the emotions they are now.
“so why do you like him”
i pondered - and i struggle to come up with a logical, let alone compelling answer.
“it’s okay”, my wise friend comforted me - only to add the deadliest blow...
January 2013
2 posts
it’s a hard pill to swallow
but i’m reminded once again - it’s what a person does that matters, not what he says.
time to forget.
got my mind all messed up. my making, again.
this is always the time of the year for this, no?
can you please stop living in your own fantasy?
December 2012
9 posts
there’s nothing i love more than lounging at home with my family, doing nothing but painting my nails a festive shade of wine red.
oh nail painting. how much have i missed it.
nothing is right in my life.
and there’s pretty much no one i can tell.
when the boundaries between days and nights blur for me, for the first time i thought, time passes really quickly.
and to my utter shame i forgot about my best friend’s birthday…
it was like, omg it’s Dec 17th already? almost X’mas… almost another year gone.
guess i need to anchor myself a bit before i lost myself in my fantasyland.
i begin to realize what this job does to me.
it strips me from every will to live - live as in to enjoy life to the fullest.
after two weeks of extremely late nights/early mornings, i finally have a free weekend again.
there’s nothing i want to do - there are people i’ve postponed meetings after meetings, there are work i need to get done for quite a while.
all i did was sleep,...
