i guess my problem is, i thought i would give a damn. instead, i am not doing all the necessary steps to pursue my dreams. did i lose my drive when i was idle for an entire year in cambridge? why wasn’t i the me when i took 21 full course load and still do a 20-hour part time job? how can i give meaning to the thing i do now.
and in this job, i’m really tired is never a reason nor explanation; sleeping one or two few hours more is a sin and crime, something to be ashamed of, although it is quite impossible to trick your body to feel otherwise it means nothing to no one, and protesting that you are tired simply means you are weak, even worst, irresponsible. and making a mistake means you are a terrible person,...
days when even white flag is impossible trapped in a nightmare where you can’t wake up - and when nightmare is reality when there is no stop button when you feel so alive but dead inside - - and to borrow Sylvia Plath’s words: But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn’t do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill...
i remember creating a photo album “your life has just begun” when i started work maybe it was some wishful thinking on my part when i name it that way maybe it was some sort of encouragement to myself but to be honest - i can never shake the feeling that my life ended in every possible way when i toiled in IFC 2 late at nights and over the weekends and frankly, how many photos can...
too much pride, too little guts.
so one day all these will pass good times will come the right one will fall into place.
i realize in my world one month can be a long time and a lot of things can change just when this deal i was doing when i was with you is live now the relationship between us is dead. the nights when i spent escaping from work, strolling along the singapore river, sitting in the lobby of fullerton bay hotel doing nothing the first time i actually attribute beauty and serenity to this...
it dawned upon me, why despite the feelings i had for him that, when i looked at his picture i decided there’s no way i am going to restart our conversation i remember this conversation with another him on how we both have perfectionist tendencies once we made some mistakes and struck out more than a few lines in our paper homework we would start a new page and copy everything over,...
so my girl friend told me maybe you can try writing letters to him in your diary trust me, in 2 weeks, max 3, you will stop being obsessed about him. i asked, is it that easy to forget about someone? she said: yes, because soon you will find that you keep repeating yourself in those letters, and you move on. so here goes, my first letter, to myself, not to him: i know it has always been...
there are some people in my life that i put them in a little box two, to be precise they are treasured, but never touched i open one day i can open the box and talk to them normally
singapore is a place where it has to rain when you finally have a free day… fuck the tunder
there is this hole in my heart that, when i don’t look i fall into the dark depths time and again
a chronology of conversations
sometimes i don’t even know why i feel something. my feelings are short-circuited thoughts - i can’t even tell how they develop into the emotions they are now. “so why do you like him” i pondered - and i struggle to come up with a logical, let alone compelling answer. “it’s okay”, my wise friend comforted me - only to add the deadliest blow...
it’s a hard pill to swallow but i’m reminded once again - it’s what a person does that matters, not what he says. time to forget.
got my mind all messed up. my making, again. this is always the time of the year for this, no? can you please stop living in your own fantasy?
there’s nothing i love more than lounging at home with my family, doing nothing but painting my nails a festive shade of wine red. oh nail painting. how much have i missed it.
nothing is right in my life. and there’s pretty much no one i can tell.
when the boundaries between days and nights blur for me, for the first time i thought, time passes really quickly. and to my utter shame i forgot about my best friend’s birthday… it was like, omg it’s Dec 17th already? almost X’mas… almost another year gone. guess i need to anchor myself a bit before i lost myself in my fantasyland.
i begin to realize what this job does to me. it strips me from every will to live - live as in to enjoy life to the fullest. after two weeks of extremely late nights/early mornings, i finally have a free weekend again. there’s nothing i want to do - there are people i’ve postponed meetings after meetings, there are work i need to get done for quite a while. all i did was sleep,...